After years I finally understand what is to arrive home. Arriving home is a self-discovery. Someone can only arrive home when they discover their identity. Home is not a place but a state. You won’t have time for silly subjects and you will simple understand that nothing really matters because everything passes you by.
I thought my home was Brasil where I grew up, where I was raised with care, love, rules, education and trust. I just never felt at peace there and I wanted to run away. I finally did go away and I traveled the world and had the wanderlust experience so many people of any age crave for at only 16 years old.
I lived in the most incredible places, from China, London, Paris and Thailand. Places where I discovered who I really was meant to be and who I wanted to be. I landed in Los angeles where I decided made sense for me to build a life at. Even feeling this is home to me I know it’s not the place that makes me at home but who I became while here.
I became strong, I became independent and I became resilient. I found safety within myself and not in others. I decided I would be myself even if that meant losing people I loved. I made the decision to always love myself first. That I didn’t need to prove to my friends, my lover, my work that I am good enough because only if I accept myself will they accept me. That it is ok to be different than everybody else but we should always choose to help, be healthy and good. We live to add value not to disrupt an already twisted world. We live by choices and I made the choice to live in peace within myself before all. I hope I can inspire people to start making better choices.
I have to remind myself to be strong for myself. I try not to care about what other people think of me but it is so hard. Life can get really hard sometimes. I want to be loved for what I really am and be true to myself. People can’t comprehend or they pretend they don’t. I see mistakes all around me and I think to myself why they don’t choose the same path.
Sometimes I think if I was like the “cool kids” that my life would be easier or maybe that I would be loved more. I am not simple in my mind and I will never be. I analyze things and I give myself to people and I am passionate. I get to places sometimes and I think I might be crazy because i’m so different. I remind myself again be strong for yourself.
I close my eyes and remember this life is short and I have to give example. I remind myself the person I want to be in 20 years from now. No, I don’t like drugs. Yes, I am waiting for the right partner. No, I don’t have to wear this/that brand to reach fame. No, I don’t want to pretend I’m edgy to get that job. I am nice, I like being sweet to people, I love being healthy and I won’t accept your way of living. “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
I am a little different but I don’t think i’m wrong. They might look at me and judge me. I might be the boring one for you now. I might be the weird one. I may as well be too girl next door to you, but sure enough in some time I will be the one you wished you could come knocking.
I will let time and my actions speak for myself.
Sometimes I feel like screaming. I feel deep in my soul a pain for the world. People around me need to wake up from their wants and needs. I have so many people I care about that are looking for the wrong things in the wrong places and that is me included at times.
Money, fame, drugs, sex, foods, the best hip place, the new instagram famous person, the new bag, the new outfit and the best degree. I don’t understand what happened to relationships, what happened to spending time and opening up? What happened to staying in silence and admiring life?
Why are things so hard nowadays? I believe we are better about technology and ways to connect but we are not connecting. I believe we are more lost than we ever been. I have to admit I feel lost too, I don’t think what I want is good for me anymore and I consistenly have to stop myself from acting about my wishes and desires.
I don’t know exacty how things can be different but I know I don’t want to give up on myself, and searching for those things in dark places while destroying my soul and body is not the way to go. I hope some of you can discover inside yourselves that those things are temporary and not what will bring you value in the long term life we hope you will be living.
Wonder and passion doesn’t equal love. I believe love has to be earned, for some people giving love is easy because they are born to give and they trust and give as easy as breathing. I am one of those people because loving my faith, makes me love people and have faith in them.
Some other people, though, and many are like that, weren’t born to feel. They are born without compass and they love life for discovery. Discover what feeling actually is. They think because of passion that reasoning is not always necessary and either they risk a relationship or none at all. Some live from flings to flings others from small lasting relationships enjoying the easy part but not the hard part where real love is built from.
I wasn’t lucky enough to have a certain kind of love that lasted but I believe I am smart enough to know logic is necessary when it comes to it. I know love is not meant to be easy, and that it not always conquers everything. A relationship with one-self is hard enough, our own battles, stuggles, insecurities are already hard to deal imagine then combining those to another individual with their own battles.
As human beings we will always be weak and our force is not our own and mostly is supernatural. I choose to believe real love comes surpasing passion, then friendship, then confusion, then reconciliation and then you reach a level of over-bearing trust. The person becomes more than family they become an extension of you. They are not everything that you are but is a sense that they add to you, what you needed and then you become the best version of yourself.
Whatever struggle they bring, whatever luck they add is just naturally necessary to make your life lessons easier to understand. They are the sum of everything you thought you didn’t need but you learned you actually could receive. That is the type of love I wish for and hope to get.
I want to blog about this journey I am starting. Bright line eating is a way of life, a way of life I want to commit to. Life gets hard and a lot of things fall through. You can’t rely on your job, people and even family, at times.
I want to do this and go back to myself. I want to do this because I want to choose me over and over again. I want to prove to me, that I love myself enough to commit to something and go until the end. Doesn’t matter how many times I fail, i’ll fail better and start from day one again.
I will use this as an example to my job, my friendships and the family one day i’ll raise. It’s a proof that my flesh can be made rock by repetition. It’s proof that the weak can be powerful. Proof that warriors are made and not born ready.
Romance starts with wonder but love is found in showing up and not giving up. I want my life to be pleasing, to be pure and to be healing. I want to expand and be the best me I can be. For me happiness is knowing you can rely on yourself and that no matter what happens you will pick yourself up again and again because you trust yourself. For me I am already happy and free.
I used to be afraid of pain, of being hurt and of scars. Now I have known defeat, abuse and fear. However, now I am grateful for every minute of if. I feel transformed.
I truly have scars, on my soul and in my body. Of course they are scary and ugly. I am not as perfect as I used to be, but at least I am more human. I don’t want to pretend to be something I am not, I don’t want to fit into what people think it’s normal. I want to be a catalyst of freedom.
Freedom of shame. Freedom of lies. Freedom of the prison we put ourselves in every single day. You are the sum of everything you lived up to this moment but take courage because it also means everything you overcame. You are made new everyday. Rise!
Rise and show yourself. Pure and alive. Completely and lovingly you. Not afraid of the consequences but facing every obstacle because you made the decision to never look back again. Just rise!
My word for the year is Unstoppable. Because I want to rise from all perpectives in my life. I don’t feel I ever had my life ambitions and desires so clear ahead of me. Feels wonderful to accept who I am, with my head held high. I guess that is what loving yourself is, understanding you are not perfect.
For me is all about gathering all those memories and realizing it brought you to now. Your now is better than any yesterday. Sometimes we feel like the world will end, the pain won’t stop and the fear will eat us alive. Fear is a monster that can destroy the best of people, but you have to learn to live with it. I guess I learned to love the monster because the monster is part of who I am.
You have to learn to love your flaws and let yourself be loved for them. You have to find people that will love you exactly because you have flaws. How does God loves us all uncondicionally? Why can’t you love everyone around you? Why is it so wrong to love another person? I trust the knowledge that those who hate haven’t learned to love themselves, because we are all made of the same cells and made for the same purpose.
We are made to find and discover new ways to accept one another for our differencies and come together in a relationship. We are made to learn from one another. We are made to connect to what is natural and available. Born to create life, beauty and presence. We are made of water, knowledge, sight, music, art, and movement. We have the energy of the earth inside of us and we choose to use it for hurting us (the earth) everyday instead of making it better.
I want 2016 to be the beggining of the best years of my life. Years I will choose to give myself to people, to help, to nurture, to motivate, inspire, grow, listen and see beyond measures. Discease is created in loneliness. Friendship can heal. Love can cure. I want to make every single person I meet know they have good because if I have you must have it too. I agree financial prosperity to be necessary, accomplishments and adventures. However, what will truly fill you with a feeling better than anything in the world is being there for people. Give love and feel loved!
– Good Night!