It is hard sometimes and I dont think people realize. I suffered and I let myself feel a sort of fear and pain everyday. I am not sure when it started but I know I feel it. I didn’t become celibate for anyone but myself.
Sex confused me, first my body changed in such early age, I knew guys looked at me when I was 10 years old already. I somehow felt bad because it didn’t feel right, it took me long years to understand the attention actually made me hate my body.
Time made me learn to accept my sexuality and who I am. But that brought the thoughts that my boyfriend only loved me when we had sex, if we don’t have sex we are not in love. Brought the thoughts for a guy to stay with me, sex is necessary. It brought so much confusion.
I gave up having sex without commitment because I want to be sexy for me. I want to be loved for me. I want to accept my body, my mind and my soul. I want a man to accept me as I am, as well. But how can I require a man to love me for me if I have battles with that myself? Sex is not love is just an addition to the love that should already exist.
I am not ashamed to pose and be sexy. It took me long years to understand that is ok. That God is not judging me, that the world won’t judge me as long as I don’t judge myself. I decided I will appreciate and cherish myself so a man can be able to do that, as well.
If anything this year taught me that all that I think is being created in my life. It is intense how much complications we put everyday in our lives. Don’t feel bad about your decisions but please understand what are you doing for YOU and what are you doing because you think OTHERS or the SOCIETY want you to do.
Deep down you know the answers. Search!